An Unwanted Visitor

This morning was no different then most mornings. Me, sleep deprived due to a 4 year old who feels that he has to take his Daddy's place because Papa is not here. Put that boy back to bed three or four times last night. I have to keep reminding him that by going into my room to sleep. He is leaving his little brother all alone. "oh. . ." he says.

Was up at 6 am, cleaned up the baby and fed them breakfast. Everything was going fine until I sent a text to another mom in the ward asking if she could watch the boys on Wednesday from 11am -2pm. An hour and a half later she calls me to tell me that her little girl has a field trip that morning and won't be back until 12:30. That doesn't work. So I told her thanks and will try some one else. Many phone calls later. No luck. Seems like every one but me is going on a field trip or something like that. *sigh*

An unwanted visitor has decided to creep into my head again. Depression. . . I'm in a, "don't know what to do?" state of mind. I made a commitment to a business networking thing that meets once a week. To take my husbands place. Praying that I will be able to find a sitter for that time until I can afford to pay some one to do it. The main problem is that Dale has preschool in the afternoons. Monday - Thursday. A bus comes and picks him up at 12:02 and brings him home by 4:15. Some one has to be with him when he gets on the bus and when he comes off the bus. I really need some one to watch the kids here at home and make sure that Dale gets off to school. No one I know can do that. I can hire a nanny or sitter for this but I won't be able to budget it until October. I hate being broke and behind on bills. This only fuels the depression more to the point that I cry. And I cry because I have no one I can rely on other than my husband. Who is doing his best to take care of us. I'm so proud of him and the hard decisions we have to make in our lives right now. To better our family's future.

Again I cry. I look and read the posts on facebook. When I see that some one is in need of help with their children. Some one to watch them. About 4 or 5 comments pop up with in 5 -10 minutes from friends or family offering to help. When I do that. I get nothing. All the people who are my friends live in places such as Washington State, Idaho and California. I have lots of extended family around but they are all hour or more away. I also feel like a stranger to them because I didn't grow up with them. I often wonder if they really care about me or realize that I'm not as far away as they think I am. I don't know? I'm not talking about my mom because I know she is always there for me whenever I need her. Just that she lives three hour drive from me and money is tight for the both of us. I cry because I have no support system out side of my husband. Because I have no one close by I can call when I need help. I know there is the church but I feel so guilty asking for help knowing that they're soo many others that need help also. Plus, NO one. . .no one. . . ever asks me if they need my help. . . no one.

So, I cry and when I'm done everything goes back to the way its been for a very long time. After Dale got on the bus. Aden and I headed to the store for more milk and fruit. Got home at 1:15. Put him down for a nap. He slept until after I got Dale from the bus. Fixed dinner, bathed, smoothies, video chat, then Aden to bed and me and Dale cuddled up together watching a movie until he fell asleep.

Try not to worry too much. I will be fine because Depression is only an unwanted visitor who doesn't stay for very long.

I love you sweetheart and pray for you everyday. . . oxoxoxoxoxo. . .