Ah depression. How nice of you to come visit. NOT! *sigh* I would have to say that today was not a good day for me emotionally. After the scare with my dog eating the cookie with chocolate in it and having to make him vomit so as to minimize the chances of poisoning. I didn't get much sleep. The worse case kept creeping into my mind. The what ifs? Having no money to take care of anything let alone a vet bill. When we're so far behind so many other bills. When the bank account is in the negative . . This is when my old very much unwanted friend came to pay a visit.
Depression, it's no stranger to me. I've known of it since I was a very young child. 3rd grade is when I can remember this thing came into my life. It didn't have anything to do with things at home at the time. It was school. It was being different because I had hearing aids and before the Disabilities Act was passed in 1994. The school system did not know what to do with me. They kept pulling me from my normal class. Placing me in with other children that were physically and mentally disable. I just had a hearing loss but I was labeled by them to having a "learning disability." Of course, kids are kids and will come up with all kinds of stuff to try to figure out what was different about another kid. Unfortunately, it was all negative. I was teased, made fun of and the butt of what seemed like everyone's joke. As the years passed things didn't get much better. The teasing was so bad that all I could do was shut down. I couldn't come up with any way to defend myself. It was easier to ignore it and let them think what they wanted of me. My brothers never defended me either. I was just their, "dumb, fat and annoying little sister." They may not remember or will deny ever being that way or felt that they did not express those things to me directly. But many of their so called friends at the time kept reminding me of that. I hated school. It wasn't until middle school that I met my very best friend that things felt a little better. It was also the same time my Dad started doing weird things. Turned out later that he had Multiple Scraloius(sp?) or MS as most people know of it today. Anyway, freshmen year of high school was the only time I ever had fun in school. I had my BFF, the high school was 1500 student above it's capacity and I was completely forgotten about by the school officials. I felt normal for the first time in my life. After that my BFF graduated and I was alone. Plus another school was built so the craziness was back under control. There's a lot more stories related to this subject but I will get to them another time.
While back at home and not it my head. . . The morning started out ok. Dale and Aden were up at 6 however I did not want to get up. I went and got some milk for the baby hoping that he would go back to sleep. I crawled back in bed only to be loved on and pestered by my darling little boy Dale. Aden did not go back to sleep. He was ready to take on the day. I was ready for a nap even though I had only been up for bout an hour. The baby is still sick. He didn't eat much today. Had too much snotty stuff running down his face and his throat. Dale on the other hand was feeling a lot better. Back to his normal cuddly self. I fed them and played with them for a little bit. When I decided to go check my emails and then do some dishes. I got a new unexpected response from Dale. I told him what I was going to do and he of course did not want me to. This, "That's not fair!" Popped out of his mouth. My jaw bout hit the floor. "Where did you learn that?" I said. He couldn't give me an answer. I'm guessing school because I don't say that and Dylan's not here. The baby is automatically ruled out. There must be a little girl or boy in his class that had taught him that? Wow. . . Now that he knows that phrase it's a constant to anything I say no to or want him to do that he does not want to do. It's funny because I know that he is saying it without really understanding what it means but it must be working for his fellow classmate.
No morning nap for Aden. He is in transition to one nap a day instead of two. Did not want lunch until after Dale left on the bus and was falling asleep while eating. I caught him before his head bout hit the table. Cleaned him up and put him down for a nap. Then I made some buns for my black bean burgers for dinner and relaxed on the couch waiting for the bread to rise. After the bread was done and baked the baby woke. He was still not feeling to good and just wanted me to sit with him for a while. 4 pm rounded around and we went to get Dale. Got in, fixed dinner, fed the kids, bathed, played, put Aden to bed at 7:20 and sat and watched a movie with Dale until he fell asleep on my lap at 8. Physically and for the kids, not a bad day. Emotionally. . . ?
I pray tonight that tomorrow will be better than today. Amen. . .
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